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The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts Book Summary, Review, Notes

The book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman describes five primary ways in which romantic partners express and experience love. Chapman refers to these ways as “love languages.” They can take the form of deeds of service, presents, physical contact, quality time spent together, or words of affirmation.


The author proposes that individuals have a natural tendency to offer love in the manner in which they would like to be loved, and that improved communication between partners can be achieved when one partner can exhibit compassion to the other in the love language that the recipient understands. 


Book Title—  The 5 Love Languages
Gary Chapman
Date of Reading—   February 2023

Table of Contents

What Is Being Said In Detail

CHAPTER 1. What Happens to Love – After the Wedding?

Chapman starts the chapter by telling us about a man whose marriage had been having trouble. In the analogy, the man talks about his three marriages, all of which end in divorce. 

The man tells Chapman that the main problem is that his love for the women seemed to go away as soon as he married them. The man seems upset by what’s going on and wants to know if that’s the path most married men take. The man also wants to know if people who have long-lasting marriages do so even though they know marriages are empty.

The author says that his friend’s problems, who had been through three failed marriages, are the same problems that most people have in relationships. 

He says that when it comes to marriage, everyone feels the need for romantic love. The point is that almost every newspaper, magazine, blog, and website have an article about love. 

This is because everyone wants to figure out what love is all about. Chapman, on the other hand, sees that most people still don’t do well when it comes to love.

Chapman was interested in why most couples read books and go to a lot of seminars about love but don’t use what they learn in their own relationships. 

The author says that people can’t apply the lessons of love to their own lives because they always forget the most important thing about communication. Chapman gives an example of how each of us identifies with our own native language to show how many languages there are. 

He says that the languages of love are like the many languages that people speak around the world. The author also says that a person’s emotional language and their partner’s emotional language are very different, just like English and Spanish are different. 

For the sake of love, people should put in a lot of effort to learn their partner’s primary love language so that they can talk to each other effectively.

In this chapter, Chapman talks about the five types of emotional love languages. He says that just like there are different dialects in linguistics, there are different types of emotional love languages. 

He insists that a partner needs to learn their partner’s first language because that is the only way they can understand love. Chapman says that his book is important because a man and his wife don’t usually have the same emotional love language.

CHAPTER 2. Keeping the Love Tank Full

The author emphasizes how important love is by citing both religious texts and psychologists’ thoughts on the subject. She also shows how far people will go for love. 

Chapman talks about how the Apostle Paul chose to praise love by saying that most things people do that aren’t driven by love end up being empty. The author thinks that love is the best thing in life because it brings joy and happiness.

The author says that most things people do in their lives are tied to how much they love doing them. For example, people talk about how much they love things and people in their lives, like their family and friends. 

Chapman says that most people are crazy about the idea of love. He also says that people use the idea of love to justify their actions. 

For example, people commit adultery in the name of love, and parents will give in to all their children’s wishes because they love them. Chapman tries to figure out what this mysterious feeling is by looking at what people think love is and how they relate to it.

Chapman makes it clear that he didn’t write the book to get rid of all the chaos and confusion that comes with love. The author says that his book is about the kind of love that is important for people’s mental health. 

Chapman talks about a “love tank” that is built up from childhood on. He talks about how children always need more love on an emotional level. How a person turns out as an adult depends on how they were raised as a child. The author uses a thirteen-year-old girl with a sexually transmitted disease as an example. 

The young woman had a significant lack of emotional affection, which pushed her to engage in sexual activity before she was married. Chapman thinks that parents and couples should both take time to nurture their emotional love tanks so that they never have to battle with love on the inside.

CHAPTER 3. Falling in Love

Chapman explains what it’s like to fall in love by talking about how happy it can make us feel when someone we find interesting flips our switch. People aren’t just swept off their feet when they fall in love; their brains and eyes also stop making sense. 

People who are really in love with their partner often don’t see the whole picture. Even when cracks appear, they don’t see the danger that is coming. Chapman gives the example of a young guy who is so enamored with his girlfriend that it takes the effort of the young man’s mother to bring out the obvious, which is that the lady had been receiving mental health treatment for the previous five years. 

But the son doesn’t care about the fact that his girlfriend is crazy because he’s really in love with her.

Chapman takes the reader through a process of taking the mystery out of falling in love by pointing out the lies about it. He says that most people tend to think that being in love will last forever and that it will be a beautiful journey. 

The author pounds the reader over the head with the ugly reality that the idea that being in love will last forever is a myth. He backs up his last point by quoting Dr. Dorothy, a psychologist who did a study on married and dating couples. 

Dr. Dorothy came to the conclusion that the average length of a romantic obsession is only two years, but she also said that it lasts longer if the relationship is platonic or a secret affair.

The author describes the painful reality that people face after two years of love obsession, when they start to see other sides of their partner that they hadn’t seen before. 

When someone realizes how blinded they were by love, they feel pain and hurt. People are forced to leave the happy feeling of being in love and go back to the real world. They find out the hard way that their spouse does annoying things every day, like leaving hairs in the sink, which is of course very annoying. 

Chapman shows how dangerous it is to be in love by talking about how it makes you feel. These pitfalls include having a false illusion of bliss, believing that one has arrived, believing that falling in love is effortless, and believing that falling in love always results in growth. 

But Chapman shows that falling in love isn’t something that happens to everyone by default. Couples could choose to love again if they realized that falling in love is a choice they make.

CHAPTER 4. LOVE LANGUAGE # 1 Words of Affirmation

The author places a lot of emphasis on the idea that paying compliments is the first step in expressing one’s feelings to further develop affection for another person. Solomon’s words about the power of spoken word are used by the author to make his point. 

Chapman says that it’s important for partners to use compliments in a positive way to cheer up their partners. 

The author tells a story about a woman who tried everything for nine months to get her husband to paint their bedroom, but he wouldn’t do it. Chapman says that the woman should praise her partner for the little things they do and wait for the magic to happen.

Chapman also uses facts to back up what he says about how to keep a marriage together. He says that the best way to keep a marriage going is not to insist on getting your way, but to do things that are good for the relationship and make it stronger. 

Chapman adds that the spouse can gain courage and self-esteem just by being told nice things. Most things don’t get done because people don’t have the courage to do them. There is a chance that a person’s partner hasn’t yet reached their full potential in a certain area. 

For the potential to be used, words of encouragement are very important. To be able to see a problem in your partner’s world and help them solve it, you need empathy and a different point of view. According to Chapman, another important component of love and marriage are words that are humble, gentle, and convincing.


Chapman starts the chapter by talking about what he thinks quality time is. He says it is the art of giving your full attention to the people you care about. 

He also says that you give your partner quality time when you have deep conversations with the goal of sharing and understanding each other. The best way to spend time with your partner is to share your attention and feelings at the same time. 

Chapman says there is a big difference between being together and being close. He says that being together helps people focus and pay attention.

Chapman says that couples don’t really know what it means to be together because they think that living close to each other is the same thing as being together. 

He says that in real life, two people could live in the same house, but their feelings could be miles apart. Togetherness is paying attention to and caring about each other, which gives you a lot of good times together.

As has already been said, Chapman’s “Language of Love” is made up of different languages. A quality conversation is one of the many things that make up quality time. 

Chapman thinks of these as empathetic conversations where people can talk about their ideas and experiences in a friendly way without being interrupted. The married couple’s biggest complaint is that they can’t talk to each other in a way that helps them feel the same way. 

People can talk freely about the problems in their marriage that their partner is having when they have good conversations.

Quality conversations use the skills of listening and feeling sorry for your partner’s problems as a way to show love and a sense of being in it together. 

The author gives simple rules for having good conversations, like making eye contact and not listening to someone while doing something else. He also says that body language, interruptions, and looking for feelings and emotions are all ways to have better conversations. 

Chapman also says that learning to speak, finding out what kind of person your partner is, and doing good things are ways to spend quality time.

CHAPTER 6. LOVE LANGUAGE # 3 Receiving Gifts

Chapman, the anthropologist, noticed that the practice of exchanging gifts is common across cultures and is considered essential to a happy marriage. The author found that sharing or giving gifts is a kind act that goes beyond cultural differences and shows that someone cares and loves them.

The author says that a gift is a physical symbol that reminds you of someone you care about and makes you think about them when you look at it. 

A gift is a sign that someone not only thought of you, but also put some thought into what you might like. Chapman says that the art of giving gifts is a symbolic way to show love.  

Rings are one way that newlyweds are given gifts that represent their love for each other forever. The rings represent the connection between a man and a woman, which should be both physical and spiritual.

Giving and receiving gifts as a way to show love is a big part of some people’s love lives, because the gifts they get have their own special way of showing how they feel. 

Not in a materialistic way, but because they care more about what the gifts mean. Some people think their wedding rings are so important that they will never take them off after they get married. For someone who places a lot of value on physical gifts, like a wedding ring, they will treat it with care and respect.

CHAPTER 7. LOVE LANGUAGE # 4 Acts of Service

The author tells Jim’s story and makes his wife Janice out to be a great housekeeper who cleans, does laundry, and irons clothes with great care. Jim seems happy, satisfied, and loved by his wife, Janice. 

Because of this, Chapman tells us that acts of service are his main way of feeling loved. Chapman says that this means to do things that make your partner happy. It means that a person always does what they can to make their partner feel better.

Chapman says that acts of service are things that need to be planned, motivated, taken time to think about, and done out of love. Some of these things are vacuuming, taking out the trash, painting a room, cleaning the garage, trimming flowers, mowing the lawn, changing diapers, and washing the car.

Chapman wants to show the difference between a “doormat” and a “lover” who does something nice for someone. If you feel like you have to do acts of service every day, you’ll start to feel like a pushover. 

When a spouse does nice things for them but doesn’t show much appreciation or care, it makes them feel used and angry. Chapman’s use of a doormat as a metaphor is good. A doormat is an inanimate object that gets kicked around, is used, and isn’t really noticed. 

The author continues by saying that if you’ve ever felt like a doormat in a marriage, you’ve been more of a servant than a loving, engaged partner. He does give a solution, though. He says that people are emotional beings and that no one should let themselves be used. 

A healthy and happy marriage requires that each partner take care of the other without one becoming overburdened by the other’s acts of service.

CHAPTER 8. LOVE LANGUAGE # 5 Physical Touch

Most couples show how they feel about each other by touching. Chapman proves the need for physical touch by citing a study that found that holding, hugging, and kissing babies and young children helps them have healthier emotional lives as they grow up. 

The study also says that babies’ emotional health is affected when they go for long periods of time without being held or having any physical contact.

Chapman says that physical touch is the most important way for a couple to show they love each other. For example, kissing, cuddling, embracing, holding hands, and having sexual relations are all physical ways to show your love for your partner. 

Since touch has such a big impact on so many people’s lives, it’s easy to see why it’s the main way some people understand and feel love from their partners. Love tanks can be kept full through regular physical contact, which can help married partners feel more at ease.

Chapman says that the idea of touch as a way to communicate emotions can make or break a relationship. He shows this by saying that a hug or kiss can send a stronger message than words or gifts when a person’s main way of showing love is through physical touch.

CHAPTER 9. Discovering Your – Primary Love Language

After carefully listing and explaining each of the five emotional languages of love, the author tells the reader how to find their own primary love language. This is particularly significant for two reasons. 

First, they will have a better understanding of their own language. Second, they will discover the preferred method of expressing love that their spouse prefers to employ. Chapman says that some people find it easy to figure out what their love language is while others find it hard.

Chapman tells the story of Bob, who says that his main love languages are physical touch through sex and words of affirmation. Chapman, on the other hand, says that most men make the big mistake of thinking that if they want sex, it must be because physical touch is their main way to show how they feel. 

The author says that because of how a man’s body works, he has a stronger desire for sexual contact. On the other hand, a woman’s sexual feelings come from how she feels. 

Chapman says that a woman will want to be physically intimate with her husband if he meets her emotional needs by making her feel appreciated, loved, and cared for.

By asking questions about the things that are most significant to and desired by the reader, the author guides them to the discovery of their primary love language. 

If the answers are clear, it should be easy for them to figure out what their main love language is. But if their answers don’t help, Chapman suggests they think about what hurts them. For example, if your spouse’s words hurt you deeply, your main love language is probably words of affirmation.


The author starts the chapter with a rhetorical question, asking the reader if it’s possible to talk in each other’s language while still being angry and upset about what happened in the past. 

Chapman responds by saying that people are rational beings who can choose between good and bad options for themselves. Since making poor choices is an unavoidable part of any marriage, he says, apologies should be automatic and the choice to forgive and love again should be made when things go wrong. 

Love doesn’t make the past go away, but it can make the future better.

Chapman says that deciding to love your partner despite all of their flaws creates the right emotional climate that makes it easier for the two of you to move on from fights or mistakes in the past. 

Chapman also talks again about how it feels to be “in love,” which he talked about in Chapter Three. He says that no one chooses to be in love; it just happens. 

The feeling also meets our emotional needs, making us feel special, appreciated, and cared for, which makes us fall deeper and deeper in love with our partner.

However, in order for this affection to persist throughout a marriage, the partners must learn to speak each other’s love language and make the deliberate decision to love one another on a daily basis.

CHAPTER 11. Love Makes the Difference

Psychologists say that love is linked to other emotional needs, like feeling safe, important, and valued by yourself. Feeling loved by a partner, as the author describes it, is a source of safety and self-worth. 

Having a loved one who still cares about you as much as they did when you first met can do wonders for your sense of self-worth and overall happiness.

According to the author, personality differences become more pronounced in married couples where neither partner has a healthy sense of self-worth. 

This makes each person try to prove their own worth and importance, which can lead to fights and the breakup of the marriage. Chapman talks about how love isn’t usually the answer to most problems, but it does make people feel safe and open enough to talk about their feelings and look for answers. 

When a couple loves each other, they don’t feel afraid to talk about problems without worrying about being punished or judged. This makes it easier for them to solve their problems.

CHAPTER 12. Loving the Unlovely

The chapter is based on a question from a reader, Ann, about whether or not you can love someone who is hard to like. Ann’s question made Chapman and his wife think back on times when their marriage was rough. 

They had yelled at each other and fought for a while, which made them very angry and eventually made them hate each other. What happened next was a series of problems that made the idea of love seem impossible in their marriage. 

When they hated each other the most, they felt like they were at the end of their marriage and started to think about how they felt about each other. The author and his wife worked through their issues by talking them through without resorting to criticism, condemnation, or actions that would have been emotionally damaging to one another. 

Instead, they would approach each other in a subtle way and make suggestions instead of making demands. Chapman and his wife decided to start loving each other even though they were being judged, hated, and angry at each other. 

Chapman said that he and his wife became closer when they learned each other’s love language.

Ann’s husband is very set in his ways and doesn’t like to change. Ann says she has tried everything, including taking him to counseling, but nothing has worked. 

Ann slowly fell into depression and had a low sense of self-worth because her husband didn’t love her and was always putting her down. She was upset and didn’t know what to do to keep her marriage together. 

Chapman tried to apply the Bible’s message about loving your enemy to Ann’s situation by doing an experiment. He thought that if Ann found out the husband’s main love language, the husband would respond to Ann’s emotional love language, which would stop the fighting between them.

Ann’s marriage seemed to have caused her a lot of pain, which made her unhappy and make her feel like she wasn’t worth much. The love had gone away, and her love tank was empty. 

This caused pain, trouble, and a loss of hope in the marriage. Chapman says that people who hate others don’t have general feelings of affection for them, but they should still try to show them acts of affection. Ann is a good test case for the author’s theory about the five primary love languages.

CHAPTER 13. A Personal Word

The author says that the Five Love Languages also apply to children. He says that parents should show their children all five ways of showing emotional love so they can figure out which one their kids respond to best.

Chapman gives different examples of how children act to show that love is their first language. He says that if your child loves making small gifts for you as a way to show appreciation, then the child wants gifts as their primary language. 

This kind of child puts feelings and emotions into gifts because they make their parents happy. Children do things without thinking about it because they don’t understand that when they give, they get back. 

If parents find out what their children’s main language is and keep adding to it, their children will be more emotionally stable. But if the child’s love language isn’t taken into account, they will almost certainly have relationship problems as adults.

Dr. Ross Campbell’s research shows that most teenage sexual misconduct stems from an empty love tank caused by neglecting their primary love language. 

When a teen runs away from home, the author says, they usually feel sad and unloved by their parents. The author says that the problem is that they never talked about what their love language was, which again led to a dry love tank. 

Chapman says that parents tend to buy their kids what they want, but they rarely have time to play with them. Buying a child, a ball and making time to play with them are two different things. Because of this, parents need to find out what their children’s main emotional love language is.

Most Important Keywords, Sentences, Quotes

CHAPTER 1. What Happens to Love – After the Wedding?

“The desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup.”

“We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want them to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in his or her primary love language.”

CHAPTER 2. Keeping the Love Tank Full

“Psychologists have concluded that the need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need.”

“If we can agree that the word love permeates human society, both historically and in the present, we must also agree that it is a most confusing word.”

“Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally, but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty ‘love tank’.”

“We needed love before we “fell in love,” and we will need it as long as we live.”

“We have been led to believe that if we are really in love, it will last forever. We will always have the wonderful feelings that we have at this moment.“

“The euphoria of the in-love state gives us the illusion that we have an intimate relationship.  We feel that we belong to each other. We believe we can conquer all problems.”

“By nature, we are egocentric. Our world revolves around us. None of us is totally altruistic. The euphoria of the in-love experience only gives us that illusion.”

CHAPTER 4. LOVE LANGUAGE # 1 Words of Affirmation

“The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.”

“I am not talking about pressuring your spouse to do something that you want. I am talking about encouraging him to develop an interest that he already has.”

“The manner in which we speak is exceedingly important.  An ancient sage once said, “A soft answer turns away anger.”  When your spouse is angry and upset and lashing out with words of heat, if you choose to be loving, you will not reciprocate with additional heat but with a soft voice.”

“Love makes requests, not demands. When I demand things from my spouse, I become a parent and she the child.”


“I explained that what makes one person feel loved emotionally is not always the thing that makes another person feel loved emotionally.”

“It isn’t enough to just be in the same room with someone.  A key ingredient in giving your spouse quality time is giving them focused attention, especially in this era of many distractions.”

“Some husbands and wives think they are spending time together when, in reality, they are only living in close proximity.”

“By quality conversation, I mean sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.”

“Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting.”

“One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead.”

CHAPTER 6. LOVE LANGUAGE # 3 Receiving Gifts

“A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or “She remembered me.” You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift.  The gift itself is a symbol of that thought.”

“If you are to become an effective gift giver, you may have to change your attitude about money.”

“There is an intangible gift that sometimes speaks more loudly than a gift that can be held in one’s hand.  I call it the gift of self or the gift of presence.  Being there when your spouse needs you speaks loudly to the one whose primary love language is receiving gifts.”

“Almost everything ever written on the subject of love indicates that at the heart of love is the spirit of giving.”

“Gifts need not be expensive, nor must they be given weekly.  But for some individuals, their worth has nothing to do with monetary value and everything to do with love.”

“By acts of service, I mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do.  You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her.”

CHAPTER 7. LOVE LANGUAGE # 4 Acts of Service

“[…]no one likes to be forced to do anything.  In fact, love is always freely given.   Love cannot be demanded.  We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything.  Requests give direction to love but demands stop the flow of love.”

“Our actions are influenced by the model of our parents, our own personality, our perceptions of love, our emotions, needs, and desires.”

“Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.”

“People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.”

“Allowing oneself to be used or manipulated by another is not an act of love.  It is, in fact, an act of treason.”

“Love says, “I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me.”

“Due to the sociological changes of the past forty years, we no longer cling to certain notions of the male and female role in American society.  Yet that does not mean that all stereotypes have been eradicated.  It means, rather, that the number of stereotypes has multiplied.”

CHAPTER 8. LOVE LANGUAGE # 5 Physical Touch

“Physical touch can make or break a relationship.  It can communicate hate or love.”

“Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her.”

“If your spouse’s primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries.”

CHAPTER 9. Discovering Your – Primary Love Language

“Your picture of a perfect mate should give you some idea of your primary love language.”


“We are creatures of choice.  That means that we have the capacity to make poor choices, which all of us have done.  We have spoken critical words, and we have done hurtful things.  

We are not proud of those choices, although they may have seemed justified at the moment.  Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we must make them in the future.”

“Love doesn’t erase the past, but it makes the future different.    When we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.”

“Meeting my wife’s need for love is a choice I make each day.  If I know her primary love language and choose to speak it, her deepest emotional needs will be met and she will feel secure in my love.”

“Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.”

CHAPTER 11. Love Makes the Difference

“On believing in a spiritual world –   I am significant.  Life has meaning.  There is a higher purpose.  I want to believe it, but I may not feel significant until someone expresses love to me.   

When my spouse lovingly invests time, energy, and effort in me, I believe that I am significant.  Without love, I may spend a lifetime in search of significance, self-worth, and security.  

When I experience love, it influences all of those needs positively.  I am now freed to develop my potential.  I am more secure in my self-worth and can now turn my efforts outward instead of being obsessed with my own needs.  True love always liberates.”

CHAPTER 12. Loving the Unlovely

“I surmised that perhaps her only hope for marital survival was in her faith.”

CHAPTER 13. A Personal Word

“We need not agree on everything, but we must find a way to handle our differences so that they do not become divisive.”


Book Review (Personal Opinion):

Gary Chapman has a fantastic strategy. Using straightforward language, everyday situations, and a focus on the emotional needs of both partners, he demonstrates how a couple’s dynamic may shift for the better if they shift their focus.

He talks about things in a practical way. He talks about what he has learned from his experiences as a husband and marriage counselor.

His book will help coaches in two ways: it will teach them about the five love languages and explain how he helps couples. His process is usually the same: he listens, asks questions, sets up a plan and helps people take action (which often starts with making a list), and then checks to see if the plan was carried out after a certain amount of time.

On the other hand, The Five Love Languages doesn’t suggest things that would probably hurt couples, since it tells people to find out what their partner needs. 

There isn’t much research to back up the idea that we all have a primary love language, and there isn’t much research to back up the idea that this theory can help solve a wide range of relationship problems.

The Five Love Languages is an easy read, short in length, and contains exercises and examples that may help readers, but it may not be enough to help with more complex relationship concerns like infidelity or communication problems.

Rating: 8/10

This Book Is For:

  • Partners who want to improve their relationship.
  • People who had problems in their marriage and want to understand and fix problems with their partners.
  • People who want to know themselves and their love language.

If You Want To Learn More

Here is a video of Dr. Gary Chapman were he explains in more detail what the 5 love languages are. Dr. Gary Chapman on The Five Love Languages

How I’ve Implemented The Ideas From The Book

I believe that most guys don’t verbalize their feelings; instead, we show it through our actions. And I thought it was enough when it came to the relationship I have with my wife. Boy was I wrong… 

The book helped me realize that my way was just one of the five ways how you can express love. And figuring out how my wife’s love language functions (and vice-versa) helped us avoid a lot of marriage pitfalls.

One Small Actionable Step You Can Do

After finishing the book, it could appear challenging or overwhelming to put all of this information into practice. 

We can take our connection with our spouse to the next level by taking the time to conduct some self-reflection on the topic of the “love language” that most resonates with us. After we have accomplished this, we can have a conversation with our spouse and educate them on the several ways that love can be shown. 

And we may begin to share our preferences with one another so that we can have an understanding of the things that bring us joy and help us feel complete. After that, we may begin taking steps toward cultivating our relationship with one another.

The 5 Love Languages Gary Chapman -Summary Infographic